I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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