he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
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my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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