I accidentally burped into my bong.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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