why didn't you poke me back
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
