I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
