Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
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I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
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I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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