Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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