bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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