I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
