____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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