im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dear god my vagina.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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