Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
