We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize