He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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