that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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