between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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