my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
