I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
