With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
