Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
