the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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