Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
