I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
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Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
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rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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