I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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