In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
