so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
