If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
