Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
