I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I love you. Go after that dick
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