Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
