Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
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I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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