was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
