You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
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Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Someone signed my nipple.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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