Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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