I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
