I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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