I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
