Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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