How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
