just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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