She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
