Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
