I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
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