Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
