bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
