He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
