he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
