i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
