i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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