Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
