i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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