All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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