4 words: hood of his car
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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