I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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