If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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